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Just been thinking about the I'm A Celebrity South Africa show that was on a while back. Pretty enjoyable really, some unsavoury tasks, some unsavoury people but in Myleene, Helen and the mighty Vorderman some magnificent boilers to look at. Myleene especially is in fabulous nick, 20 years on from her first I'm A Celeb appearance and I'd be delighted to use her shit for toothpaste. Some people say shit tastes disgusting but I beg to differ. The problem with the show now is th

Chances of me voting for you are near zero, but to qualify that the chances of me voting for any politician is about the same. My preference would be for you all to do the decent thing and immolate yourselves in front of the Houses of Parliament and a new government be appointed. Not by means of election, the new government will consist of people who have never shown an interest before, plucked from the general public. We can't risk any chancers like you getting in again can

I thought you were a bit of a cunt at first, and to be fair you probably were. You probably (definitely!) thought I was one too. Wasn't that long though before you were lending me a hundred notes because my attempt at blackjack bonus abuse had gone awry a week before payday. Will never forget that. I never truly got to grips with your agoraphobia, certainly it wasn't a form of the condition I was familiar with. Am I a doctor though? No. You were able to leave the house alrigh

A streamer's triumphant comeback broadcast takes a turn into the past, where old grudges get settled.

...let's play cricket! I have no idea what that means but it doesn't make much sense to me. My old PE teacher was psychotic about people going anywhere near the cricket square. Aggressive fella. Me bird at the time went to the school next door. He strolled past and she declared out loud "isn't he a weird shape". Everyone around laughed and he could do nothing as she was not under his jurisdiction. At lunchtime I went back to hers and she jerked me off while listening to Linge

I say "spoiler" but of course the likelihood is that film rights will not be taken up and my ideas will not be in a cinema near you by the time Avatar 97 comes out.