East Kilbride

Episode 1 — Scene 1

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM — DAY

A sparse NHS hospital room. Beeping monitors. Pale light through thin curtains.

THE MAN lies in a hospital bed, stirring. He was pulled from the Thames earlier that day — barely alive. He doesn't know this yet. He blinks, disoriented, takes in his surroundings.

He sits up with a start. Someone is in the room with him.

THE MAN

Who are you?

CLIVE MYRIE

I'm Clive Myrie.

THE MAN

Right. And who am I?

CLIVE MYRIE

You appear to have lost your memory. But even if you hadn't — the name you were used to going by was not, in fact, the name by which you were first known.

(a beat)

Your real name is East Kilbride.

THE MAN

East Kilbride? You 'avin' a giggle? I'm not even scotch, you slice!

CLIVE MYRIE

I must go now. But I will see you soon.

As if by magic, CLIVE MYRIE vanishes. In his place: a live mackerel, flipping frantically on the floor.

THE MAN — now EAST KILBRIDE — stares at it. He lies back slowly on his pillow.

EAST KILBRIDE

(quietly, to no one in particular)

...Fuck me.

CUT TO BLACK.

END OF SCENE

Thanks for everything Del Boy

Came from Zimbabwe, got into trouble took up boxing and fucked people up, while occasionally getting fucked up himself. Del dodged nobody and he always looked knackered from Round 1 to Round 12 but that didn't matter. Thoroughly entertaining and a top bloke. Enjoy retirement and your burgers Derek Chisora. We'll miss you!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SzWynTcs6mk

Somehow Kane returned!

10,9,8,7..3,2,1!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iH4AC-GaSiI

The music starts, the pyros go off and the crowd goes fucking mental. It's Kane, it's Kane, how is Kane here? Even the remaining participants stop smacking each other and turn to see what's going on.

The Big Red Machine is the final entrant in the 2026 Royal Rumble. He slowly makes his way to the ring, old school mask, adjusting his gloves as always.

The Undertaker is in the crowd and stands up in shock, jumps the barrier and moves to confront his brother. They stand toe to toe, face to face. They seem to argue for a few seconds while everyone in the ring watches in disbelief until a couple of opportunists start throwing people over the top rope.

The confrontation between Kane and the Undertaker continues for a few seconds more before the Deadman offers his hand to Kane. Kane studies him and then accepts it. The crowd goes double fucking mental and Kane finally joins the fray.

The Big Red Machine enters the ring and the superstars part ways like pigs in the presence of Hannibal Lecter. All except Brock Lesnar. Lesnar always saw himself as the strongest in the WWE until he tested himself against Kane. He didn't like the result. He also didn't like the fact that his chances of winning the Rumble were now significantly reduced. Before he can get to Kane he's blindsided by Roman Reigns and they enter their own meta feud again in this Royal Rumble.

Someone attacks Kane from behind and just bounces off him. The Devil's Favourite Demon starts throwing the others around like confetti, one, two, three more are flung over the top rope and the field is getting thinned drastically.

The war continues to rage in the ring while the commentators try to work out what the hell is going on. Is this really Kane? How is he here, why is he here? Is he going to win? If so what happens next?

The field keeps getting smaller until just three remain - Reigns, Kane and Lesnar. Reigns and Lesnar are embroiled and both in a precarious position, either could go at any second. Red could easily tip them both over and win it here and now. Instead he deliberately eliminates Roman so that he can have Brock to himself.

With nobody to stop them the two fly at each other, holding nothing back. Vicious strike after vicious strike with neither getting a clear advantage until Big Red makes the slightest mis-step and Brock capitalises. He flings Kane into the ropes and catches him on the bounce back. F5!

He knows that's not enough so immediately follows up with another. Kane is prone on the canvas and Brock roars knowing he's close to winning. He turns back to Kane who suddenly sits up, returning from the dead. Lesnar rushes towards him and finds his neck in a vice like grip. Chokeslam!

He picks up the Beast again and readies him for a Tombstone which he executes flawlessly. If this really is the Kane of old he's in amazing condition. He still needs to get Lesnar over the top though. He runs his thumb across his throat and grabs Brock again and faces the commentators. It's time for the Last Ride. He takes this hulk of a man above his head, moves to the ropes and flings the Beast over the ropes and all the way onto the announce table, an unbelievable feat!

Medics attend to Lesnar as The Big Red Machine is announced as the winner of the 2026 Royal Rumble. His music kicks in and Lita appears in the ring from nowhere, taking Kane's hand and together they set off the pyros in each corner.

Credits, fade to black.

Raw:

The music starts and Kane appears, accompanied by Lita. Kane Grabs the mic.

The devil's favorite demon had a demon of his own...

I'm not the Kane you might think I am. I'm worse, and I'm coming for you all.

Throws arms and pyros.

The End. The Beginning.