East Kilbride

East Kilbride is the opening scene of an absurdist comic thriller, written as a TV script. It is Episode 1, Scene 1 and nothing more so far, so think of it as the start of something rather than a finished piece.

Episode 1 — Scene 1

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM — DAY

A sparse NHS hospital room. Beeping monitors. Pale light through thin curtains.

THE MAN lies in a hospital bed, stirring. He was pulled from the Thames earlier that day — barely alive. He doesn't know this yet. He blinks, disoriented, takes in his surroundings.

He sits up with a start. Someone is in the room with him.

THE MAN

Who are you?

CLIVE MYRIE

I'm Clive Myrie.

THE MAN

Right. And who am I?

CLIVE MYRIE

You appear to have lost your memory. But even if you hadn't — the name you were used to going by was not, in fact, the name by which you were first known.

(a beat)

Your real name is East Kilbride.

THE MAN

East Kilbride? You 'avin' a giggle? I'm not even scotch, you slice!

CLIVE MYRIE

I must go now. But I will see you soon.

As if by magic, CLIVE MYRIE vanishes. In his place: a live mackerel, flipping frantically on the floor.

THE MAN — now EAST KILBRIDE — stares at it. He lies back slowly on his pillow.

EAST KILBRIDE

(quietly, to no one in particular)

...Fuck me.

CUT TO BLACK.

END OF SCENE

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