top of page
  • Mental Ramblings

I'll have what she's having

I had suspected for a while that I was suffering from erectile dysfunction. However, as I didn't have anyone to stick the old Johnson into back then I took my sweet time arranging an appointment with my GP. It was only when I watched an episode of Rosemary and Thyme and didn't get a flicker that I knew I needed medical help.

I booked an appointment but it got cancelled because of all that Covid bollocks. Yes apparently the whole world had decided that a pandemic was more important than me being able to get optimal use out of my Fleshlight. Typical eh?

It was only recently then that I realised I wasn't suffering from erectile dysfunction at all. Years later I finally got to see a quack and what he told me was nothing short of a revelation.

Dr: If you don't mind I'd like to try something. This case could merely be a case of not having the right stimulus.

Me: Hold the bells John I've been watching Rosemary and Thyme and Loose Women on a regular basis!

Dr: Even so, take this pillow, breathe in and out for a moment and tell me when you're ready.

I did as I was told. I had no clue what he was fucking on about but I was willing to try most things, Morris Dancing aside.

Dr: Have you ever thought about Monica Galetti?

As soon as he said her name I felt movement. I was confused and excited all in one.

Dr: More specifically have you ever thought about what it would be like to cook her a dish so heinous that she'd grab you by the throat and personally throw you out of the building?

I hadn't but fuck me I could imagine it now and I got the best bonk on I'd had in ages. I could almost feel cold concrete underneath me. Almost see Monica looking down on me with a look to say that I was lucky to still be alive. Think Sharon Stone in Total Recall when she goes to Mars. That fucking hot.

The button on my trousers flew off towards the ceiling and I grabbed the pillow to conceal my massive boner (poetic license). The Dr had a big smile on his face and he asked if I was good.

Me: I'm bastard good Daddio!

I stuck a tenner in his pocket and strode out of the office with a spring in my step and a monster in my pants. The clapping on Thursdays for the NHS during Covid suddenly felt worthwhile. The only issue now was that I wanted the real thing, Magnificent Monica taking me to task because my ostrich egg souffle didn't have enough raspberry coulis in it.

The plan was simple. All I had to do was go to catering college, get a job in a restaurant, open and run my own restaurant, apply for Professional Masterchef, get selected and then not make a total cunt of myself in the skills test.

From there I'd tell Monica and Marcus that I was going to prepare cabbage 18 ways with a raspberry coulis followed by broiled loin of venison, a dandelion crumb, hasselback onions and a pickled halibut tuile. Oh and a dill oil split with some shit or other. They're all at it these days. All of the above were things I knew Monica loved with the bonus that some prick the year before had promised cabbage 18 ways but had only served 17! Ha, what a wanker!

In reality I would cook a sausage and chips starter and a main cause of sausage and chips. To be fair it could have been sausage and chips main followed by sausage and chips dessert, possibly with a raspberry coulis. I would of course burn the sausages, split the egg yolk and leave the chips frozen in the middle. My strategy, as great as it was, did have some risks. There would be the chance that Marcus Wareing would immediately punch me in the face before Monica could get to me. My hope was that if that happened she would be the one to grab me by the neck and turf me out the door.

This obviously was going to take some time so I took the precaution of buying some Monica Galetti face masks from Amazon. It was with trepidation that I asked my next Tinder date to wear one when we got back to my place. Needless to say she called me a wrong'un and left. I wasn't really surprised. The next time though I had a plan. While she was in the bathroom to freshen up her minge I left some sandpaper and a couple of fox tail dildos on the side. When she returned I asked if she wanted to get kinky and she reacted extremely positively.

I then asked if she minded us sticking the fox tail dildos up our arses while she identified as Edwina Currie and I identified as John Major. I would sing C'est La Vie by B*witched and hop on one leg while she jerked me off with the sandpaper and shouted "Diplomatic Immunity!" in the style of Joss Ackland. I would then climax in her left ear hole while telling her "It's just been revoked!"

As you would imagine she was horrified but before she could kick me in the balls and leave I put my hand up to silence her.

Me: Or maybe you could just wear this Monica Galetti mask instead?

Her: Oh, alright then.

I'm seeing my therapist twice a week from now on.

1 view0 comments

Recent Posts

See All


Happy Wednesday, I've just rewatched Endgame and it occurred to me what it might be like for the Hulk to jizz on Tilda Swinton's bald head, maybe a bit like pouring custard on a sticky toffee pudding


bottom of page