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Sir Antony Rubs-Talbot
Oct 25
3 min read

Updated: Oct 27


Before the plot, the face.


Every *Doctor Who* pitch starts with the same question: who is the Doctor? For *Version Control*, the answer was never in doubt for me. It is Paul McGann.


McGann is the Eighth Doctor, the one who got a single TV film and then, for most of the show's history, hardly any screen time at all. His Doctor has spent years off camera, mostly on audio, travelling through some of the darkest stretches of the Doctor's life. The last time he appeared on TV, he chose to regenerate into a warrior to help end the Time War. Whatever happened to him in between those times was never shown.


That gap is the point. *Version Control* picks him up after countless years of unseen travel. He doesn't need introducing. He just needs somewhere to go.


It's sad to say that casting Jodie Whittaker and Ncuti Gatwa was considered brave at the time. Some people who were perfectly happy with aliens of all shapes and colours couldn't accept the Doctor being a woman, a Black man, or gay. We saw similar reactions to the new Captain America. Sexism, racism and homophobia played their part, amplified by people who seemed more interested in the culture war than in watching the actual show.


Of course, not everyone who disliked those eras was motivated by prejudice. But the noise stuck, and better writing and stronger ideas might have given the naysayers less ammunition. I don't think Whittaker was always served well by Chris Chibnall's writing, and Russell T Davies eventually lost me too.


That's a real shame, especially for Gatwa, who had the man responsible for resurrecting the whole shebang in the first place on his team. I've read Russell T Davies's book about writing the first revival's scripts, and it's excellent. He describes occasions when the BBC budget couldn't stretch to the special effects he'd envisaged. He'd go back to the drawing board and come up with something better, something cleverer.


With Disney's money behind the revival, those constraints were largely lifted. My feeling is that Davies had the keys to the toy shop and, at times, forgot that having the freedom to do anything doesn't necessarily mean you should.


The Eighth Doctor is the Doctor who never got his own series. This is a six-part run that gives him one. And from the corporate side, he's the lowest-risk option on the table. The BBC and partners don't have to gamble on an unknown. Fans already love him, and he's proved he can walk straight back into the role.


Night of the Doctor was a few minutes of television, and he picked up the Eighth Doctor as if he'd never put him down. Nobody had to be convinced. That's not a bad position for a show that needs a win. And David Tennant is busy this time I'm sure, even if I have to finish East Kilbride and cast him in it myself!


There's also a practical upside. I don't have to go anywhere near the regeneration into Billie Piper at the end of the last series. Someone else can deal with that mess. I'm not moving the story forward, I'm going back to give McGann the episodes he deserved.


Gallifrey United are under threat of relegation, maybe even of going into receivership. Like many football clubs do, I'm bringing back an old player to get the vibes back and the fans excited. Then again, as I type this it seems Manchester United will be sacking Michael Carrick very soon, but don't let that worry you!


I am not going to say much yet about who he is up against. That is for Part 2. For now, the Doctor is cast, and the rest of the team is a conversation for another day.



Part 2 tomorrow: the pitch.


Homework: Deadstream

 
 
 
MIguel & Clive
Oct 25
2 min read

Hooksavers: for when you need a hand, but yours are already hooks!


I went to Specsavers today, not in Cleethorpes but for some reason I find it amusing that Google found their branch for the logo as opposed to anywhere else.


Google search result showing a Hooksavers logo and Hooksavers Cleethorpes Opticians & Hearing Centre

My therapist says I'm obsessed with having hooks for hands but quite frankly I don't know where she's coming from. She's got no evidence apart from me repeatedly writing about having hooks for hands, the hooks tattooed on my arms and the kickstarter I've started to fund the amputation of my arms ahead of having them replaced by hooks. She's the obsessed one if you ask me.


Anyway, someone told me that each individual Specsavers is a franchise so the main optician at each one is the owner. After the eye test, which went well albeit with a recommendation to cut back on the wanking, I knocked on the door of the boss to see if he wanted to partner up in Hooksavers. We're talking hooks, hook maintenance, accessories, the fucking lot. I'd just take 1% of profits for the idea plus free hooks for hands.


I even had an idea for an advert. A hook wearer spies an infidel and wants to impale them with their hook but it falls off. The infidel laughs and says "should have gone to Hooksavers!"


He told me to fuck off and I'm now barred from every Specsavers, including Cleethorpes.


It'll never come to pass of course now, but my personal hooks for hands dream lives on. HOOKS FOR HANDS! HOOKS FOR FUCKING HANDS!


 
 
 
Sir Antony Rubs-Talbot
Oct 24
8 min read
Deadstream live broadcast on a smartphone with active chat

NOTE: HERO is never seen. All footage is shot from a chest-mounted camera throughout. We see his hands, the landscape ahead, and his phone screen. His face is never revealed.


---


We see a TWITCH STREAM INTERFACE. The chat is populating. The stream screen is black. Viewer count: 847 and rising.


HERO (V.O.)


(English, northern accent)


Hello, is this working? Can you hear me?


Chat erupts with responses. Excitement dominates — familiar names welcoming him back. A few trolling comments appear early, scattered among the positivity.



HERO (V.O.)


Great! Glad you can hear me. And it's great to be back!


The camera activates. We see a wide, green English field on a bright sunny day. The chest-mounted camera moves with his stride. The sky is vivid blue. It's beautiful.



HERO


So — wow. So many people here already!


He glances down at his phone. CLOSE ON SCREEN — we see the chat scrolling:



WelcomeBack_Hero: YESSS HE'S BACK

Gemma_Streams: oh my god oh my god

John69: lol where have you been loser

Bob443: SO HAPPY RN



He pockets the phone. His stride is easy, unhurried.


HERO (CONT'D)


Right, I guess I need to address some things. But first — look at this.



The camera pans slowly as he turns, taking in the surroundings. Open fields in every direction. Bird song.



HERO (CONT'D)


Isn't it beautiful? I won't tell you where I am just yet — you can guess if you like. I've been recovering here for a while. Life is just different here, the air is different, there's no urgency, no pressure. I love it.


He checks his phone again. CLOSE ON SCREEN:


Fuckwit20: probably his mum's back garden hahahaha

StreamerDave: Norfolk? Scotland?

Jaws: who cares lol

LoyalSince2019: I'm actually crying he's back



He says nothing about the trolling. Keeps walking.



HERO (CONT'D)


Dave, make sure to get a lot of the countryside in for the YouTube vid, oh and for the thumbnail.


A beat.


HERO (CONT'D)


On second thoughts, I'll edit it myself.


He checks his phone again.


HERO (CONT'D)


MODS - no need to ban anyone today, I meant to say but everyone is unbanned now.


Ok.


I was talking to my grandad this morning over breakfast — God, the eggs and bacon were incredible. So much better than I can usually get. Anyway, he told me to get straight to the point. Which I'm obviously doing by waffling about bacon.


A warm laugh in his voice.


NOTE TO READER: Loyal viewers will know that Hero's grandad passed away several years ago. This lands as a small, unannounced detail — the first clue that something is not quite right.



HERO (CONT'D)


(voice breaking slightly)


Fucking hell, Hero. Come on.


He stops walking. A beat of silence. Bird song.



HERO (CONT'D)


OK. This won't be news to a lot of you but last year I… let's not break TOS too early… I tried to unalive myself. As you can tell, I wasn't very good at it


He checks his phone. CLOSE ON SCREEN — the chat has almost stopped. A wall of silence, then:


LoyalSince2019: oh no

Bob443: hero we love you

Gemma_Streams: please keep talking we're here

John69: lmao drama queen


He sees John69's comment. A long pause. He puts the phone away.



HERO (CONT'D)


I started streaming during COVID, just a cozy tech chat with my mates really, talking about our projects because we couldn't meet up in person. Little inventions, little ideas. Nothing crazy. Occasionally a random would show up and sometimes they came back and tell their mates. That's when it was most enjoyable, no pressure, no worries, no dickheads.


But when the dickheads arrived man did they. It started with chat abuse from a few people, so I banned them. They made new accounts. I banned those too. I still don't know what I did to provoke it. But the attacks grew. Jealousy, maybe? Or just morons with too much time on their hands.


He pauses. Breathes.



HERO (CONT'D)


Then I was doxxed. And so were my parents. Takeaway orders i hadn't made, checks with the police, bricks through my windows. Some twats cornered me mam in the supermarket telling her to tell me to kill myself.


His voice hardens.



HERO (CONT'D)


That's when I went from scared to fucking livid.


He resumes walking. In the distance, the vague outline of a town.



HERO (CONT'D)


And then I was in the pub one night, and one of you started giving me shit to my face. So I punched you in yours. And then things really got out of hand.


He looks directly down at the camera — the closest we'll ever get to eye contact.


HERO (CONT'D)


Are you here, John69? Yeah. You deserved it. And I've given a lot of thought about doing a lot more to you. And you, Fuckwit20. And you, Jaws. And you other pricks.


He checks his phone. CLOSE ON SCREEN:


John69: try it mate

Fuckwit20: hahahaha he's lost it

Jaws: someone call the police lol

LoyalSince2019: Hero please stay calm


He reads. A quiet, almost imperceptible exhale. He pockets the phone.



HERO (CONT'D)


BUT!


He stops. His voice lifts — audibly lighter now.


HERO (CONT'D)


BUT!


I am still here. And I'm happy! It's taken a lot of therapy and a lot of heartache. I'm genuinely feeling better than I ever have.



In the background, almost inaudible, the sound of a bus passes. Its engine note is wrong — older, heavier. Period. Few viewers will notice.



HERO (CONT'D)


So I've decided to draw a line under it today. You're all unbanned for this, my comeback and my finale. I'm in a good place. And you can't hurt me anymore.


He checks his phone. CLOSE ON SCREEN — donations flooding in, chat euphoric, the trolls completely buried:


StreamerDave: LEGEND

Bob443: I'm not crying you're crying

Gemma_Streams: we missed you so much you can't stop

John69: whatever


Viewer count passes 3,000.



HERO (CONT'D)


The usual suspects are embarrassing themselves I see.



His stride continues toward the town. Steady. Purposeful.



HERO (CONT'D)


I'll give you a clue since nobody's guessed — I'm in Norfolk. And I reckon I'll hit town pretty soon.


Beat.



HERO (CONT'D)


(quietly, almost to himself)


I wouldn't want anybody to miss this.



HERO (CONT'D)


Right. So. I suppose there's something I need to do.


He continues walking.


The town is getting closer.



HERO (CONT'D)


I've got somewhere I need to be.


He checks his phone.


CLOSE ON SCREEN — CHAT:


Bob443: where are you actually?

Gemma_Streams: yes where ARE you

StreamerDave: I'm guessing somewhere near Manchester

Fuckwit20: probably still in his mum's garden lol

John69: this is getting boring mate

Jaws: seriously where the fuck are you



HERO (CONT'D)


(smiles)


Nearly there.


He pockets the phone.


He walks into the town.


There is something subtly wrong with it.


The buildings look older. The road markings are different. The cars parked along the street are old — really old.



HERO doesn't react.


He knows exactly where he is.


CLOSE ON PHONE — CHAT:


Gemma_Streams: wait

Gemma_Streams: where is this?

Bob443: I recognise it

Jaws: no fucking way

John69: what?

Jaws: I used to live round there


The camera turns down a residential street.


HERO walks slowly.


CLOSE ON PHONE.


Jaws: THAT'S MY OLD STREET

Gemma_Streams: why are the houses different?

StreamerDave: they're not different

StreamerDave: they're OLD, i mean everything's older


HERO keeps walking.


Someone has noticed something.


Jaws: wait

Jaws: WAIT

Jaws: I know that house


HERO stops outside one of the houses.


The chat explodes.


Jaws: THAT'S MY OLD HOUSE

Jaws: I GREW UP THERE

Jaws: that's my fucking house


HERO looks at the front door.


He raises his hand.


Knocks.


Nothing.


He knocks again.


The door opens.


A YOUNG MAN appears.


JAWS notices immediately, so do some of the chat who know him IRL. He is unmistakably Jaws.


Except he is much younger.


The chat stops.


For several seconds, nobody types.


Then:


Gemma_Streams: oh my god

Bob443: that's him

StreamerDave: holy shit

John69: what the fuck

Jaws: ok this isn't funny anymore


The young Jaws says something we cannot hear. Wary. Defensive — a kid who doesn't know why a stranger's on his step.



HERO looks at him for a long moment. Says nothing.



HERO (CONT'D)


(quiet, almost gentle)


See you later



He turns and walks away before the door even shuts. Behind him, young Jaws stands in the doorway a beat longer, confused, then closes it slowly himself.



CLOSE ON PHONE.



Jaws: what

Jaws: what did that mean

Jaws: HERO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN


No response.


Jaws' username stays exactly where it is. Still there. Still typing.


HERO continues walking.


He reaches another street.


CLOSE ON PHONE.


StreamerDave: wait

StreamerDave: I know this place too

Bob443: how many people on here are from this town lol

StreamerDave: no

StreamerDave: I mean I KNOW this place

StreamerDave: that's where John used to live

John69: shut up

StreamerDave: number 18

John69: how the fuck would you know that

John69: HERO

John69: don't you fucking dare


HERO turns towards the house.


John69: STOP

John69: I'M SERIOUS

John69: STOP


HERO walks towards the front door.


John69: HERO



HERO


This one's different, John. This will definitely break TOS. I'll have to blank the screen in a moment.


He knocks.


A beat too long. Longer than the last time.


The door opens. A man answers — recognisably John69's Dad, but younger than John69 has ever seen him. Confused. Half-smiling, the way you smile at someone you don't recognise but assume you should.


John69: dad?

John69: DAD?

John69: HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT ADDRESS


The camera is shut off. The twitch chat now fills the screen. A voice — older, ordinary, bewildered — starts to speak, then rises, then is cut off entirely.


Silence.


Gemma_Streams: John?

Gemma_Streams: are you still there?


No response.


Bob443: guys

Bob443: his name


John69's username disappears from the chat entirely. Not "offline." Gone — like it was never registered.



Bob443: it's not saying he left

Bob443: there's no name there at all

StreamerDave: what the fuck

Gemma_Streams: John?

Gemma_Streams: JOHN?

Gemma_Streams: what just happened

StreamerDave: his account's gone

Fuckwit20: lol probably rage quit

Gemma_Streams: no

Gemma_Streams: He means GONE

Bob443: I can't find him at all!


Nothing.


HERO turns the camera back on. We see his view as he walks away from the house.


The camera passes a row of terraced houses.


The architecture is becoming increasingly old.


The street is almost completely deserted.


CLOSE ON PHONE.


Bob443: what the hell's happening?

Bob443: look at the phone number on the shop

Gemma_Streams: what shop?

Bob443: on the corner, that dial code hasn't been used in years



An old bus passes. Its destination display shows a route that hasn't existed for ages.


Bob443: that's not possible

StreamerDave: what year is this?


No answer.


HERO keeps walking.



Bob443: HERO

Bob443: WHAT YEAR IS IT



HERO finally looks down at his phone.



HERO (CONT'D)


You know, I always wondered what it would be like to come back.


He looks ahead.



HERO (CONT'D)


Turns out it's exactly how I remember it.


He walks on.


CLOSE ON PHONE.


Gemma_Streams: what does that mean?

Bob443: someone tell him to stop

StreamerDave: HERO STOP

Gemma_Streams: don't go to the next house


HERO stops walking. Doesn't approach anything else.



HERO (CONT'D)


I was at my happiest when no fucker watched me, when people didn't follow me, online and IRL. When I'm done I'll know that feeling again.


CUT TO BLACK. NO SOUND. TWITCH CHAT FILLS THE SCREEN AGAIN.


Bob443: where did he go?

Gemma_Streams: I can't see anything

StreamerDave: is everyone still here?


Chatters begin quietly dropping off — no explosion of departures, just names going quiet one at a time, the way a chat thins out after something too big to keep talking about.


Bob443: hello?


The viewer count ticks down. Not a crash — a slow bleed.


347

201

89


StreamerDave: I'm still here

StreamerDave: anyone else? guys?


Nobody answers him.


Chat is dead.


Viewer count: 0

Follower count: 0


The stream ends.


Also on Mental Ramblings: East Kilbride | Emergency Broadcast

 
 
 
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