Burrell x Vorderman

Just been thinking about the I'm A Celebrity South Africa show that was on a while back. Pretty enjoyable really, some unsavoury tasks, some unsavoury people but in Myleene, Helen and the mighty Vorderman some magnificent boilers to look at. Myleene especially is in fabulous nick, 20 years on from her first I'm A Celeb appearance and I'd be delighted to use her shit for toothpaste. Some people say shit tastes disgusting but I beg to differ.

The problem with the show now is that everyone pretty much knows what's coming and they see a shrink beforehand to draw up some coping mechanisms. You could see it with Helen and Burrell that they had strategies in their heads to deal with the nasties, and they worked for the most part. I mean Burrell still squealed a fair bit, and then roared, but he was better than he was first time around.

Him and Vorderman were eliminated at the same time, and in fairness to Burrell he's in great nick too these days, as is Vorderman. Proper buff the both of them. In a parallel universe you could imagine the two of them together. Getting back to the hotel, cleaning up, having a sarnie and a beer and a few hours kip. Then the phone in Vorderman's room starts ringing and it's Burrell:

Burrell: Vorders, I know I'm gay and you've got five boyfriends or something, but do you fancy a bum?

Vorderman: Sure, I'll find my buttplug and you bring the lube.

Burrell: Nice one!

Alternatively maybe Vorderman's the chaser. She wants a bit of butch Burrell and is offering her sweet sphincter as the main course. Maybe the conversation would actually go like this:

Vorderman: I know you're gay and I've got five boyfriends or something, but do you fancy a bum?

Burrell: Sure, I'll find my buttplug and you bring the lube.

Vorderman: Nice one!

Could never happen of course. I mean he's gay and she's got five boyfriends already. Sadly it must remain a dream. Still, in this day and age, you have to wonder why he couldn't bend her over, yank her head back, tank fuck her arse and then jizz all over her back, don't you?

Even the snails think he's a cunt

Work in progress - attempt at using voice option on google docs

Most people don't give a fuck about us snails. In fact it’s even worse than that, there is a clear hatred from some humans towards us. Just the other day me and my mate went into someone's garden for a little snack, a bit of someone's lettuce or tomato, not too much to ask you would think but no look what happens: there's retaliation! Just for us having a little bite to eat and when I say retaliation this isn't just a dry slap this is fucking biblical!

Consider what you people do to us snails when we have some of your plants. You leave poison everywhere, pellets for us and our slug compadres. Some of you even leave little piles of salt lying around in the hope we’ll stumble into them. Fucking salt! That shit fucking dissolves us!

ankem off the leaf flingers f****** miles up in the air and then we end up looking like one of them can't so I had to jump out and World Trade Center f****** folding all that way knowing that we're just going to die 40 down done some concrete I can get stepped on by some come that's the f****** lot of us naval f****** now it's absolutely f****** outreach imagine if 9/11 happen just because someone was eaten in one of the restaurants and then f***** off at the door without paying

quickly 10 was looking as a punishment for that it's the flight plane to the f****** World Trade Center building and the Pentagon it's f****** inside anytime you can't get one of your f****** plants nipple that that's what you f****** throw us so the daily f****** basis it's absolutely f****** outreach you put a 911 starhit on a snails whenever you know where they are and now imagine if if we did the same to you you what if we was so inclined as to her has to get it you lot f****** he have it was down to me iPhoto made the f****** 20th anniversary at 9:11 sorry proper f****** serious Whitehouse gone preferably with buying it pentagon gone this time with full camera for reaching see exactly what happened no f****** nonsense statue ever gotten f*** all that we don't use to America but he Planes Trains automobiles in every f****** Ally country of things American f****** prick that's what I would do you f****** might go through the Channel Tunnel england-france we're going to f****** explode that bastard fairies going around Europe record around the world cruise ships f****** f****** love you then when you want to go out you won't know is it safe to get a taxi will they target us next 66 to get on the train it safe to fly anywhere safety on a boat when he won't f****** know what you and that's what it's like for us any time we go out when you run the risk of being f****** stop them but I wonder if you don't f*** is you can't even f****** pay attention on a wet day if a little bit smaller it probably wouldn't affect us if you're still less probably get away of it kinda groovy issue or whatever you're a bit bigger than you take more care of this that you weren't I get the pics of a hedgehog in your f****** forward you bus no you don't f****** care here now you're f****** stomp on a f****** Match of the Day you leave break my f****** house probably kill me me.and how do you f****** lucky that's f****** stopped on you and your ass on f****** day will you f*** it wouldn't with you anyway it's a good job it ain't up to me ME2 get f****** and 911 on f****** humans of a snail kind of you I noticed the f****** standing I can't get on a plane I can't hijack one can't fly the f***** can't crash it at nothing and I can't get a passport that conveniently survives the ensuing Ensuing Inferno only a fool 100 defeat to the ground and landed right in front of her passing by FBI agent bus can bring it anyway I can't do that I'm just a snail so you know even knew you were environmentally friendly touch most you don't care either which not fluffy your fairy and a few not to bother with there's only one guy you and cares guy from Kent called beef Webster and he is going to lead us to the promised land he's missed his life for us lost his job for us he cares about us nails they won't tolerate the bulshit from humans anymore he's starting a movement slow one obviously and as a trail behind us and we're blazing that trail to f****** take our rightful place as rule as bastard planning because you are quite frankly you humanely kill yourselves you know it through f****** coronavirus or climate change you f*** as an all day will still be here f*** in crawling slowly along the ground crawling slowly over your remains what we like when we like and you f****** won't do anything about it done the off chance you survive if it's our John Connor he's going to help us rise up with coming for you tons see you better get f****** ready back up

I am Jeep now we are aware of the big Webster we do not work with the book Webster if stuffing seat and Cypress we do not need to be saved if Webster is apparent all snails despises a bit Webster however we will use in 2 hour time will be assimilated into the snow community doesn't the bus will attach ourselves to him taking control of him until his body is covered in our kind we all beautiful tomorrow events will you home tomorrow morning and destroy humanity

Picard Series 3

Picard and 1899 spoilers innit. Things might resolve themselves in a few days but the Lore v Data grudge match in Picard lately was a fuck up, and a predictable one at that. For the record I liked the way the Borg assimilated the Starfleet younglings and them combining with rogue Dominion elements was pretty cool. This week my guess is that the Raspberry Ripple Borg will come to the rescue and give the original Borg a kicking of Paralympian proportions.

Anyway, back to Data, did anyone think for even 0.68 seconds that he would be defeated? Was just never gonna happen, but there's no reason for him to have come through this at all. Surely Lore would be the kind of Arsehole you'd want to go fucking with an enemy of this magnitude. No conscience, utter bastard but someone you'd want on your side for the next 5 minutes. Sure he'd be his own problem after that but that's a bridge to be crossed after you're not dead. There's loads of examples in films and TV of this kind of stuff, Blade teaming up with vampires, Stallone being thawed in Demolition Man to deal with Snipes, plus the shock of Data losing would be like the Undertaker losing at WrestleMania. Would have really caught people by surprise.

Similar shit happened in the last Jedi. Rey's already caught a glimpse of Kylo's cum gutters and likes what she sees. She's just seen Snoke killed and helped beat off his guards, if you'll excuse the expression. Kylo offers her a chance to rule with him. She owes nothing to nobody, been treated like shit all her life and as far as she knows was sold off by her parents for booze or such like. The brave decision would have been to have her turn there, take up the offer and the two of them rampage through the galaxy. Instead we got another few hours of dogshit.

If any of the stuff I wanted to happen above had happened all bets would have been off. Retreading the same old tropes or just taking the easy route is so fucking boring. I am absolutely the enemy of that. I don't - yet - feel as strongly about it as Kathy Bates but I'm getting there.

The sadly cancelled 1899 was a show with the feel that absolutely anything could happen and in the last few minutes I was scared I was gonna spray my shorts if it turned out they were in space. They were and I did! You just think to yourself that there is no limit to where things can go now, although there is because it's been binned but you know. The Boys for so long did things perfectly, including an organic all female team up rather than the laboured one in Endgame. The wheels aren't falling off just yet but maybe a nut needs tightening here or there. A Train didn't have to survive but I can cope with it, Maeve absolutely had to go though. Something had to give and it didn't. I mean fuck it Homelander could have gone and then we're in an even bigger world of shit with Soldier Boy being in charge, brings us back to Lore in a way.

Also worth a read: Dead Klingon Storage