Do you want a Crunchie as well?

- You what?

- Do you want a Crunchie as well?

Obviously I was fucking livid, I'd just finished my tiramisu and was about to pay the bill when these two fucking heathens had to have a shouted conversation across the restaurant floor. Proper pair of cunts. The restaurant was part of a hotel so these cunts were raiding the fucking vending machine rather than dining in. I'd spied them necking a pint or three of Carling earlier on in the evening, fucking pricks.

I couldn't help but confront the guy as he stood in front of the machine. When I say confront I let the first Crunchie drop down ready to be picked up before I smashed the geezer face first into the machine. It was better built than this fella's boat race which spurted blood and teeth as he fell to the floor. The glass frontage of the vending machine, while not unscathed, proved it was very much more of a man than he was.

Fortunately the machine was out of the way so I had time to put the boot in on this arsehole before anyone else knew what was happening. Nevertheless before I'd quite tired of showing this wanker what was what people did arrive to see a, in their eyes, defenceless victim getting a right good going over. I stopped as the growing crowd looked on in horror. The guy was sat down, kind of crumpled with a blood stained face and weirdly a huge grin. He reached back to grab the Crunchie, ripped it open and took a bite.

- I've been waiting for you to do that to me all night.

We've been married three years now.

The Reckoning

Was discussing this with a mate of mine a little while ago. He said he only lasted twenty minutes, make of that what you will :). Apparently Jimmy's mentioned in 28 Years Later. Was gonna rewatch 28 Days Later anyway so might as well do the trilogy and report back.

Anyway here's Kunt & The Gang with a splendid musical summary. I've almost certainly posted this before but who gives a shit.

https://youtu.be/E_gp8rRX-C4?si=ozISsS7Bi1ZuYR9C

And for you antipodean paedos out there here's the Rolf Harris version!

https://youtu.be/h6wSZQxh_TE?si=bsDP_BkxVTGTIS0H

Interestingly the name 'Noel Edmonds' would scan well to this tune. Of course that song will never get made because Noel has never done anything wrong.

Giles Brandreth.

Hooks For Hands II: Electric Boogaloo

I was delighted last week to get my first reader from Iraq. I don't wish to generalise, but I hadn't ever thought I'd get much reach there. Nevertheless, happy to have you, and I hope you're well!

I was slightly less delighted when I discovered they'd found me through my romantic poem, Hooks for Hands.

Now, if anywhere in the world has a prevalence for this kind of thing, it is the Middle East. My concern became: why exactly were they looking this up?

My hope is that they didn't stumble across Mental Ramblings in the hope of finding guidance or advice, either already having hooks for hands or perhaps considering taking the plunge.

A plunger would make them a bit Dalek-like, though, which brings its own connotations.

Eminently safer than a hook there if you're wanting to pleasure a partner, though.

Anyway this prompted the whatsapp convo above and in turn the greatest business idea since the mail order dildo plan in Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels.

Grindr look out, here I come!

Read the original: I've Got Hooks For Hands