WELCOME

The receptionist doesn't know it, but there's a trickle of piss running down my trouser leg. I'm lucky it's raining outside — if it reaches the floor, having first seeped through my shoes, I've got an alibi. Until the smell hits his nostrils, anyway. I sign the piece of paper and need him to hand over my room key before the trickle becomes a torrent. I don't want it to look strange that I'm heading straight back outside, so I tell him I'm going for a ciggie. I'd clocked the r

When you came pulling in here, did you notice a sign out in front of my quarters that said "Dead Klingon Storage"?

Nobody will get redeemed here. No little pussy will become a lion either. The weak and the meek will be used and abused. The bastards will fuck over whoever has to be fucked over. The "victims" probably don't deserve it but they ask for it in a way. There will not be a change of heart where the nasty fucker becomes a "good guy" in the end. He was born a cunt and he'll die a cunt. By the way, that cunt is me and I'm about to do you some serious fucking harm. She won't fuck m

It's an excellent word isn't it, apparently Welsh for "use my arse as a cunt". Obviously it's the less formal version, kind of like "tu" in french versus "vous". Tu v Vous, aha! Its ok I just shot myself in the face.

I emailed myself this at around 6am. Yes, alcohol had been consumed. No, I have no idea what I was trying to tell myself. To be fair I actually sent this: A conglomerate of A conglomerate of Airds tematednarsehoils But you get my point. Well you probably don't.

I love the show but S2:8 has someone called Queeg in it, must be a Red Dwarf reference. Also, you've got a T1000 or equivalent that allows itself to be boxed off as a trade between Skynet and the resistance. Seems radical to me, the fact the the Terminator that hands it off looks like the human making the trade is a bit concerning too. Then the Terminator in question shags everyone's mum in The Wire. Not sure what to make of it! Also John took his girlfriend out of her box po

Politics Bloke: Give it to me straight doc, how bad does this look? Science Bloke: Maybe it's not my place to say but I recommend we go to DEFCON 1. We've tried the propaganda leaflets and the extra large condoms. All we have left now are the nukes and the dvd recordings of Steph's Packed Lunch off Channel 4. Politics Bloke: DEFCON 1 be damned! We've got a Fleur East meets Fred West situation here! Get your team to plan our next moves and I'll call the President! By the way t

DIE CUNT!

I'm midway through BSG, 20 odd years too late I know but it's kept me from watching Love Island at least. Quite frankly Love Island - Maya Jama aside - is gonna have nothing to compete with Starbuck or Caprica Six anyway. Obviously the story is important too though, I'm not just in lust with Tricia Helfer to an unhealthy degree. I might be to be fair, I'll ask my therapist next week. Anyway my point, not that I ever have one, revolves around the Admiral and President Roslin,

Just been thinking about the I'm A Celebrity South Africa show that was on a while back. Pretty enjoyable really, some unsavoury tasks, some unsavoury people but in Myleene, Helen and the mighty Vorderman some magnificent boilers to look at. Myleene especially is in fabulous nick, 20 years on from her first I'm A Celeb appearance and I'd be delighted to use her shit for toothpaste. Some people say shit tastes disgusting but I beg to differ. The problem with the show now is th

...and even if you miss you'll land among the stars! What utter bollocks! How the fuck can you miss the moon for a start, it's that big close thing in the sky, only a retard would fuck that up. Also, if you shoot for the moon with sufficient velocity to land among the stars and you hit the moon, either you or the moon - or both - would be destroyed. I mean WTF? And how do you 'land' among the stars exactly? You wouldn't land would you, you could drift between them but you wou

Endear yourself to friends and family by playing my favourite game of all time, the titular 'wants a cock up it that one!'. Simply put, you utter said phrase at the most inappropriate juncture possible and wait for the people around you to react. The above is a decent example but there have been better options in the past, the Queen's funeral, toothless widowed Ukrainian women, those adverts where people are told they've got cancer etc. Crucially, the person who you're going

We've all done this, I know I have, and I'm Scottish so I can say this, but at half time during England football games, wearing the shirts of the team England are facing, which seriously damages my methadone budget, I get my best heterosexual Scottish mates around to mine and set the bingo caller's voice on Paddy Power to female Scottish - she's no Sturgeon but she'll do! We then form a circle so everyone's got hold of someone else's Scottish micropenis and we heterosexually

Sometimes you ingest too many substances and email yourself a writing prompt. The next day you have no fucking idea what the plan was. This is one of those. However, I would go to the cinema to see this, as long as Tom Cruise wasn't involved. Edit: Lynn, Contact Danny Dyer's agent and see if he's available.

scottishsideboob.com I mean why not? You've got Karen Gillan then um uh...Nicola Sturgeon err then uh oh on second thoughts let's not.

- You what? - Do you want a Crunchie as well? Obviously I was fucking livid, I'd just finished my tiramisu and was about to pay the bill when these two fucking heathens had to have a shouted conversation across the restaurant floor. Proper pair of cunts. The restaurant was part of a hotel so these cunts were raiding the fucking vending machine rather than dining in. I'd spied them necking a pint or three of Carling earlier on in the evening, fucking pricks. I couldn't help bu

...but here's a stanley knife and I'm gonna do you some serious fucking harm you fucking melt first I'm gonna punch you so hard in the mouth that half your teeth explode an act that will also render you unconscious while unconscious I'll break both your fucking arms and string you up so that your toes just reach the ground enough so that you can stop yourself from strangulation then I'll take to you with a baseball bat for a couple of hours and squirt some petrol over you and

I mean properly magical. I'm at a hotel so the bathroom has mirrors everywhere and the lighting was perfect. A not too silver not too gold stream just came out splendidly. A nicely paced steady stream of urine that just felt right. In these tumultuous times it was just what I needed. Next time I might bottle it and send it to Russia so they can POUR IT DOWN THE FUCKING GULLETS OF THOSE INVADING UKRANIAN PIG WHORES!