Five Stars, Would Be Sectioned Again
I have a small but loyal readership base. They never contact me, in fact I only really get messages from bots with randomish names saying they love the site and can make it show in 1st place on google - course you can sweetheart!
Imagine my surprise then when someone found me on Bluesky and came here to have a look around. I was surprised yet further when they checked out this site and immediately messaged me to say that I should be sectioned. They even suggested the place I go to.
I didn't know where it was, so I googled it and was surprised to learn it had 3.1 stars. Not two. Not one. A perfectly respectable, slightly-above-average-Wetherspoons 3.1. I then wondered: who reviews a former psychiatric asylum as if it was a KFC in Wandsworth? And won't these reviews, by definition, be written by previous "guests" anyway? I had no choice but to delve deeper!
Brandon Vincent, one review, five stars, eight years ago, sets the tone early: "had a mad sesh here pills were crazy and best part they was free 5stars for me would defo recomend."
Fair play Brandon, sounds like you had a good time. I defo wish we could hear more from you.
Then there's Maurice Morsia, Local Guide, 547 reviews, 344 photos. "Nice area and views, staff are brilliant." I didn't check what else he's reviewed but I am kind of hoping he exclusively does psychiatric hospitals up and down the UK.
Then we have "Anti Satan Pro Life" — six reviews — who left a single word: "Negligent." One star. No elaboration. I'm guessing that where he's from, you have to state you're no friend of Satan on a daily basis. For most people I'd assumed that was implied. I am somewhat intrigued about what else he's reviewed but I haven't looked yet. Also the one word and one star rating do carry a lot of weight with them. Less is more, but at the same time for them, probably less.
And then there's Humzah Khan, who I think about more than is probably healthy. One star: "Was only here for a day and one of the staff called akib (african guy) was making me think I was Jesus and was trying to brainwash me to Christianity."
Naturally, I did what any responsible person would do, and checked what else Humzah had reviewed. Turns out he's also given five stars to a kebab shop in Reading, specifically praising the peri peri chicken burger and the milkshake. What Google's timeline won't tell me is which came first — did he have a transcendent burger experience and then find himself in hospital, or did he somehow encounter this kebab shop afterwards and decide that peri peri chicken and a milkshake were the path to enlightenment? Genuinely unclear. I hope it's the latter, and Humzah, I hope things are alright with you. Also, I could murder a fucking chicken burger right now.
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