it quietens the voices

At the risk of sounding like Rated R I have morphine, cocaine, alcohol, paracetamol and cannabis.

The pain - it's always there and it needs to be managed. Except on the days I really hate myself where I just sit there and endure it until I cry. And then I endure it some more, grinding my teeth and wishing I was dead.

Otherwise I bring myself up and down as I need with the rest. I'm fat and gaunt at the same time, capable of physical strength most can't dream of yet barely able to get off the couch most days.

When I don't want to kill everything I can show love and kindness beyond anything I was ever shown. Help anyone who needs help in any way I am able.

But when I want to kill - that's when I am electrified, off the leash, unstoppable. Sometimes it's nice to let them speak, let them bellow into my brain. Sometimes they get the upper hand, sometimes I do. But they only have a say when I've gone cold turkey, when I open the door to them. The reality is I've always wanted to do what they say but tried really hard to convince myself otherwise.

I haven't taken any drugs in 5 days.